Today is final countdown day 13. So, 13 days left.
It's 10:00am and I was already tested. My part-time day job is a pretty neutral zone. No one ever brings in baked goods, we don't celebrate birthday parties with cake, I'm one of two women in the office, so basically if we want to celebrate anything it's up to me to organize it. Food wise, this is great. There's rarely any temptation. But today I left the office to go order new polo shirts. I know, my day-job is like so entertaining I can hardly stand it!! Thank God I have a business I live and breathe for, or else I'd probably shoot myself with bordem. So, I'm out this morning going to order the shirts from the print shop and I'm passing like every fast food, grocery store, starbucks and I wanted to go inside so bad. At first I was like, I'll stop at the starbucks inside of the grocery store and get a plain coffee. I ended up getting a small can of izze (which I'm sort of obsessed with lately) and that's it. Oh boy it took willpower. This wouldn't have been so hard in the beginning of these 12 weeks, but now it takes all the strength I can muster up. A friend of mine said I have a form of senioritis. Like, when you're almost done with school and you suddenly think you have no accountability for anything. It's just like that for me, except even when I'm done with these 12 weeks, I still have many many more to go. You know what? This is fucking hard! Some days it's an hour by hour struggle. It's so much easier to just eat whatever you want, whenever you want.
I suppose what I'm feeling right now (frustration, anger, sadness) is what I expected on some level. I knew that by really following this BFL to a T for the next two weeks would bring up the shit I try and shut down. I wonder why this gets me so angry though? Why do I feel so angry when I deny myself of all that crap food? My counselor said that almost everyone has a food addiction on some level and that almost everyone uses food in ways other than to nourish and fuel the body. She suggested I talk to Scott about this. So the other day we played a little game. It was called "what if." I just made it up as I went along. I said "what if" you were really looking forward to a pizza. Let's pretend you special ordered one from your favorite pizza place in Chicago, your mouth was watering and you were ready to dig into it. Then all of the sudden the pizza you're carrying slips out of your hands and on to the road, then gets run over by a car. How would you feel? He just nonchalantly says... I'd be sort of mad, but I'd get over it pretty fast. Keep in mind, this man lives for pizza. So of course we played like 10 more rounds. I tried to up the anti each time and each time he asked questions like "well why did the pizza fall out the window" or "well why can't I have the chocolate cake?" I was all like... NOT THE POINT BABE, but he wasn't havin' it. I concluded that my husband doesn't get attached to food. He loves pizza and beer and chocolate and cheese steaks, but if all those foods suddenly appeared in front of him and then suddenly disappeared, he'd be fine. FINE, I tell you!
At first I didn't believe him. I thought there was no way he could be that detached from food. Then I realized, uhhh, he is. That's why he's never had a weight problem. That's why it's a lot easier for him to make healthy food choices. How do YOU feel about this? If that were my pizza that fell on the road, I'd throw an internal temper tantrum (and maybe an external one too) then I'd feel like I had to go get the next best pizza I could find, or eat something equally as decadent. I'm realizing that this is obviously not a normal behavior, but it is truthfully all I've ever known. I thought everyone thought like this, but just not everyone acted on every impulse.
I can't answer why I feel so frustrated and angry when I can't eat what I want, but I hope I will gain some insight soon. I don't want to feel like a 6 year old anymore who pitches a fit when she can't get her cookies. I know I've made progress, but damn! DAMN!