Thursday, April 15, 2010

It's The Final Countdown

17 days left until this round of Body for Life is O.V.E.R, with a capitol O!

This is how I feel.

Physically- Strong some days, puddle of fat other days. Some days I can totally tell a difference in the way I look, then there are days like yesterday when I feel like a big fat loaf of white bread. I need a tan, but that's another story. My arms are starting to show some definition, my neck still looks like a squirll has roosted under my chin. My legs are coming back into form and I have some definiate seperation between where my legs start and my butt begins. My gut is smaller, but still pretty f-ing large! In short, I feel like my body morphs daily and I just pray it morphs into a shape I actually enjoy.

Mentally- I had what some mental professionals would call a "breakthrough." I was meeting with my counsler yesterday and we were talking... and cussing, but more talking than cussing. Anyway, I was telling her how I was afraid to stop doing this 100%. As in, you give me an inch... and I take 10. I know for some BFL is extereme. Some swear that moderation is the holy of all holies, and I get that, I really do. Problem is, I'm not a moderaite person. If I were a moderate person I would be able to eat only one cookie instead of 6. And well, let's face it, I could probably eat 10! So when I think about not doing body for life...NOT being strict 6 days, then having a free day the 7th day, I get all hive-ish. Hive-ish [The fear of breaking out into hives as a result of a stressful situation]

I've lost about 15 lbs so far. Good right? But not like SOOO good that if I fall off the wagon and lose my shit for a week, I'd still be ok. I think it can be best summed up by something my mom said yesterday. "I'm just one Big Mac from falling off the wagon." I mean, if you've lost 60 lbs and you F up for a week, you're at most going to gain like 6 pounds. 6 out of 60 isn't huge, but 6 out of 15 is a lot. See why I'm nervous now?

So here's my breakthrough-
I was all nutty about not doing BFL 100% (aka, life after the 12 weeks), when in reality I'm not truely giving it 100% as it is. I'm not talking about binging on doughnuts, but I am talking about doing small things like not keeping portion sizes just right, or not eating veggies for dinner. I realized why I'm doing this. I'm keeping myself comfortable. I've managed to still eat little minor cheat things like a handful of pretzles, a piece of toast etc... and still lose weight. Now, physically this isn't any big deal, but mentally it's a huge deal. I'm keeping myself from really losing it and facing the uncomfortable feelings. I think this is where the real ticket to weight loss comes from. I use and used food to totally numb myself. I got so good at it that I was basicaly in a constant state of non-feeling. It was no wonder I had no idea why I ate, because I never ever allowed myself to feel discomfort. Now during BFL, I'm doing the same thing. Just in a healthier food choice way. Ultimately though, it doesn't matter if I binge on toast or french toast, I'm eating to not feel and that's no good. This is somewhat unfamiliar territory for me. I've had glimpses of times where I'm actually really feeling (whatever it is) and not eaten over it, or eaten to try and avoid it. Overall though, this is still really new for me. I want to do BFL 100% for the next two weeks in hopes that the shit hits the fan. Cause I know it will. I'm hoping that if I just allow it to happen, I'll be able to move through it and come out the other side. And hopefully gain some real progress. Not just physical weight loss. Because after all, losing weight means almost nothing if you don't have yo' head right. Right?

3 comments:

  1. Just trust it Katy. There's a reason things last as long as they do. It almost sounds like you got Senioritis here. That time right before you graduate... when you'll no longer be accountable to something bigger than you... when life is put back into your own hands, and HOLY CRAP WHAT IF I SCREW IT ALL UP! So, a little bit of sabotage? No big deal, because it buys you time under the protective wing.

    But you can finish this program, and when you do, it will be exactly as long as it needed to be to give you all the tools and education and practice you need to succeed.

    (Please remember to repost this for me when I am just a couple of weeks away from completing the program at the school for the blind. Thanks.)

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  2. Good grief - we are so the same in this aspect! I've numbed myself for 32 years with food...and trying to break that habit, while difficult, is necessary.

    I'm trying hard to figure out how I can wrap my head around that concept - and how I can write it down well in my blog. Basically, I just want to have food be for nourishment - if not solely, then primarily. I know it's supposed to taste good, but I'm so very attached to it tasting good that it's unhealthy.

    Maybe we'll both figure this crap out someday.

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  3. Once your Body for Life is over, you should start P90X! I have 'started' it... by taking the fit test, but that's as far as I have gotten so far! I want to do it, but I totally feel you on how hard it is. I really envy you for your will power to keep going, so keep it up! Love ya! Ken

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