Just days left now. I’m slightly disappointed in my total weight loss. I thought I’d lose 25-30 lbs and I’m still hovering around 15. I was talking to Scott about this whole thing this past weekend and he really helped me put it into perspective.
I was telling him that if nothing else I’ve really learned how to pick myself back up after I mess up. He said “if ANYTHING else?”… “if ANYTHING ELS?” Just the tone in his voice woke me up. He was like, you’ve never done anything like this. You have committed to something for 12 weeks, you’ve worked out every day except Sunday. You have lost weight! You have lost inches! You have gone down a size! You have gained a lot of muscle! You have done a lot more than just learn how to pick yourself up. He said this with gusto. He said all these things like he really really meant them. He did mean them, and it was just what I needed to put things back into perspective.
I have learned a lot about myself in these past 12 weeks. Well, these ALMOST 12 weeks. I have learned that I actually can stick with something. I have learned that when I mess up, I really want to get down on myself, but that only makes a bigger mess. I’ve learned that picking yourself back up isn’t a sign of weakness showing that you’ve failed, it’s a sign of strength. I’ve learned that I can feel good about my body again. This past weekend at the gym I looked in the mirror and thought, hey you look pretty good. I saw a waist emerging, I saw leg definition, I saw clearer skin and eyes and I saw someone who didn’t totally hate the way she looked. Sure, I’m not super happy with my body, but I feel more like an overweight person now, rather than an obese depressed walking dead person. I feel like I fit in a little bit more. I know some of this is mental, but I also feel like some of it is physical too. I bought a size 16 pants last week and they fit. I can sit down in them and everything! I’ve lost 15 lbs so far, but I’ve also lost 14.5 inches total. Most all of those inches have come off my “trunk.” My bras are even getting big. I like that, Scott doesn’t.
I’ve also learned that this is really just the beginning. I started this as sort of a “fad” diet. I started thinking that I’d try my best, but not really knowing what I could do. I had no idea how it would totally wake me up. I had no idea it would make me want to change my life. 12 weeks and 15 pounds is just the start of this new life for me. So in a way I’m bummed I’m only at 15 lbs, but on the other hand, even if I’d lost 20 or 25 or 30, I’d still be continuing with this. I still have a long way to go, mentally and physically, but I will do it regardless of how long it takes me. I want to be happy, healthy, strong and I want to love my body. So far I’ve made a lot of progress on these fronts.
I wasn’t unhappy before, but I wasn’t feeling excellent either. I was just sort of there, sort of numb with bouts of depression and bouts of excitement. I feel like I’ve raised the bar. Now I’m happy and alive with bouts of shit storms and bouts of bliss. I’ve gone from a 6 to an 8.
Scott and I decided to get physicals after our next round of BFL is over. So that puts us around the beginning of August. We both got physicals in Sept of 08. Our numbers were all normal, but I felt like I had dodged a bullet. It was like my numbers served as another way for me to be in denial about my weight. It was like, well my cholesterol is 173 and my blood sugar is good, so I must be just fine, right? WRONG! I just blocked out that was clinically obese and had high blood pressure. I told myself that my high blood pressure was white coat syndrome. Um, yeah I was nervous because I was fat! Now my blood pressure is not only normal, but good. A couple weeks ago it was tested and my heart rate was 59!!! Wanna know why I’m happier now? Well it’s amazing what a 59 heart rate will do for a person’s mood, haha. I’m like freekin’ Lance Armstrong people. Well, Lance if he was an overweight 29 yr old woman with a food addiction. But those are just details.
On the docket for tonight: Puke your guts out spin class!
I’m soooo Lance Armstrong.