Friday, March 19, 2010

Day 40 & Something exciting

Day.Four.Zero.

Before BFL I couldn't commit to anything for more than a few days, a week tops! I'd try this or that and completely abandon ship a week in, or when my mind said done.

A lot of fellow bloggers have been talking lately about the moment they decided they'd had enough. Although I didn't have an angel appear to me and tell me to lose weight, I did have what some would refer to as a "moment of clarity."

About a week before I started this crazy train called Body for Life Scott and I were out for drinks. We were sitting at the bar, he was sipping on Moscow Mules (coolest looking drink out of a copper mug) and I was having something totally uncharacteristic for me. I believe it involved Bourbon-total mistake. I totally felt like my grandma! Anyways, as we were gettin' all old timey on each other we started talking all lovey and I made mention of how we'll be when we're older. The ole' rocking chair front porch grand kids on each knee type of gig. Although if we want grand kids, we'll have to actually have real kids of our own...scary!

As we were talking I noticed that I was being much more sentimental about the getting old thing than Scott was. I think I said something like "you can see us growing old together, right? RIGHT?! He had a moment of hesitation, probably a millisecond, but to me, his wife, I zoned on that right away. I asked why he hesitated and he told me that sometimes he feels like I won't be around for the long haul. I felt the blood drain from my face. I was shocked. There was my moment of clarity! I was not delusional in thinking that my weight had no effect on me, my health, our marriage, but to actually see him shaken up enough to think of me not lasting long into our old age made me really really sad. Some would be mad that their spouse could be so blunt, but not me. I just felt overwhelmingly sad for him. When Scott gets a pin prick I'm on him to go to the doctor. He recently had a pain in his lower abdomen for about a week and I must have told him to call our doctor about 10 times. Why? I was scared. My mind raced with the what if's. I imagined what it must have been like for him to see me literally killing myself with every bad meal I ate and every couch potato marathon session of the Duggars I sat through. I was unhealthy, and fat girls and boys don't grow into fat old ladies and old men, they die. To some this may seem drastic, but not to Scott and not to me. I'll be 30 this year and to think of me entering my 30's weighing over 200 lbs makes my stomach churn. It means developing a whole host of medical issues, maybe not ever having children and a life full of emotional shit like being cut out of my house. Too much? Ok, haha. I don't care who you are, no one...NO ONE wants an obese spouse. Except maybe chubby chasers. I don't care if your husband or wife tells you that they don't notice you're gaining weight, or if they don't mind. They're lying. I'm convinced of it. I guarantee if you're overweight and you lose weight, you're spouse is going to think you look great. I doubt highly if they'd say, eh I liked you better when you had a gut. Let that marinate in your heart a little bit. Sometimes having an honest conversations is hard.

About a week after my moment of clarity I decided to do Body for Life. My counselor said she was starting it and wanted to know if I wanted to do it too. Laura (my hippie therapist savior) is healthy and thin, but wanted to get strong for the first time in her life. I'm still not sure if she embarked on this journey for her own benefit, or to inspire and help me every.step.of.the.way, but regardless I decided I'd do it. Really do it. Not half assed like the rest of my life had been, but really commit to it. 40 days in and I am a new woman. And Scott feels like I'll be around for a while. Life is good.

Now the exciting news:

1) My wedding ring is getting loose. I had to have it sized up about 3 years ago because it was fitting too snug. Not a proud moment in my life. Now it's pretty loose.
2) I fit into a size 16 jeans this past weekend. I pulled them all the way up and buttoned them. Granted I probably looked like a stuffed sausage and I would never go out in public in them or sit down... BUT they fit.

5 comments:

  1. This is so awesome to read! I definitely relate to wanting to get healthy so I would live a long life. When I met Kelly I used to say the only way you could get me to run is if I heard the ice cream truck coming. I was lazy with a capital L and didn't think too much about what I ate. I am blessed with being TALL and I have my dad's body which means I stay thin even when I treat my body like trash but I FELT yucky. I was tired all the time and I knew not being able to walk up a hill without my lungs burning was a really bad sign.

    About the time I met Kelly I started getting healthy. As you know he's twenty years older than me but he couldve kicked my ass for sure! He plays soccer two times a week and works out with a trainer two more days. We like to bike and hike and be outdoors and I sure as hell didn't want him to think I'm a lazy loser. So I started going to the gym too. And I started cooking for both of us and making healthier decisions. I want him to live to be 100, myself 80 and we go together holding hands in our sleep :-) There's no better way to put the odds in your favor than to work out and eat healthy.

    I am proud of you for making the changes. It sounds like you are starting a new way of life. What I realized is this wasn't a phase, but a lifestyle. And now, when I don't work out I feel lethargic and frumpy. That doesn't mean there aren't days when I don't want to do it, but much like having sex no one ever says when it's over, "Eh, I could've done without that."

    Keep on rockin sis. I am inspired by you.

    PS I am going to email you a really yummy recipe I made last night. It's healthy and delicious.

    xoxo

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  2. Just found your blog. I totally relate. My sweetheart and I always joke that he is going to kill me one day, but really it is our way of joking that I am not going to live long if I don't get healthier. Kudos to you for getting started and seeing some results!

    Cheers,
    Missa
    LosingEthel

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  3. Wow.....I love your post....I was laughing, and crying....I am so proud of you, and all you do to stay healthy....especially knowing you have to trudge in the snow, and darkness of the early morning to get to the gym -- Katy, Keep it up, you are such an inspiration to us all!!

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  4. Miss Katy.....when I read this it brought tears to my eyes. You are so beautiful, and so wonderful and I am so proud of all you are doing!

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  5. I'm so glad you wrote this. You are very brave and your courage to tell it like it is is inspiring.

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