Day 40 & Something exciting

Day.Four.Zero.

Before BFL I couldn't commit to anything for more than a few days, a week tops! I'd try this or that and completely abandon ship a week in, or when my mind said done.

A lot of fellow bloggers have been talking lately about the moment they decided they'd had enough. Although I didn't have an angel appear to me and tell me to lose weight, I did have what some would refer to as a "moment of clarity."

About a week before I started this crazy train called Body for Life Scott and I were out for drinks. We were sitting at the bar, he was sipping on Moscow Mules (coolest looking drink out of a copper mug) and I was having something totally uncharacteristic for me. I believe it involved Bourbon-total mistake. I totally felt like my grandma! Anyways, as we were gettin' all old timey on each other we started talking all lovey and I made mention of how we'll be when we're older. The ole' rocking chair front porch grand kids on each knee type of gig. Although if we want grand kids, we'll have to actually have real kids of our own...scary!

As we were talking I noticed that I was being much more sentimental about the getting old thing than Scott was. I think I said something like "you can see us growing old together, right? RIGHT?! He had a moment of hesitation, probably a millisecond, but to me, his wife, I zoned on that right away. I asked why he hesitated and he told me that sometimes he feels like I won't be around for the long haul. I felt the blood drain from my face. I was shocked. There was my moment of clarity! I was not delusional in thinking that my weight had no effect on me, my health, our marriage, but to actually see him shaken up enough to think of me not lasting long into our old age made me really really sad. Some would be mad that their spouse could be so blunt, but not me. I just felt overwhelmingly sad for him. When Scott gets a pin prick I'm on him to go to the doctor. He recently had a pain in his lower abdomen for about a week and I must have told him to call our doctor about 10 times. Why? I was scared. My mind raced with the what if's. I imagined what it must have been like for him to see me literally killing myself with every bad meal I ate and every couch potato marathon session of the Duggars I sat through. I was unhealthy, and fat girls and boys don't grow into fat old ladies and old men, they die. To some this may seem drastic, but not to Scott and not to me. I'll be 30 this year and to think of me entering my 30's weighing over 200 lbs makes my stomach churn. It means developing a whole host of medical issues, maybe not ever having children and a life full of emotional shit like being cut out of my house. Too much? Ok, haha. I don't care who you are, no one...NO ONE wants an obese spouse. Except maybe chubby chasers. I don't care if your husband or wife tells you that they don't notice you're gaining weight, or if they don't mind. They're lying. I'm convinced of it. I guarantee if you're overweight and you lose weight, you're spouse is going to think you look great. I doubt highly if they'd say, eh I liked you better when you had a gut. Let that marinate in your heart a little bit. Sometimes having an honest conversations is hard.

About a week after my moment of clarity I decided to do Body for Life. My counselor said she was starting it and wanted to know if I wanted to do it too. Laura (my hippie therapist savior) is healthy and thin, but wanted to get strong for the first time in her life. I'm still not sure if she embarked on this journey for her own benefit, or to inspire and help me every.step.of.the.way, but regardless I decided I'd do it. Really do it. Not half assed like the rest of my life had been, but really commit to it. 40 days in and I am a new woman. And Scott feels like I'll be around for a while. Life is good.

Now the exciting news:

1) My wedding ring is getting loose. I had to have it sized up about 3 years ago because it was fitting too snug. Not a proud moment in my life. Now it's pretty loose.
2) I fit into a size 16 jeans this past weekend. I pulled them all the way up and buttoned them. Granted I probably looked like a stuffed sausage and I would never go out in public in them or sit down... BUT they fit.