Monday, April 23, 2012

Truth Serium

It's always a safe bet around this blogging community we've surrounded ourselves in, that no news = bad news. It's likely that if you haven't seen any posts from the blogs you follow, they are in a corner eating their way into a slow death by chocolate. If I'm being honest, I really hate to read the same shit over and over from bloggers who can't seem to lose weight. I totally understand this is super hypocritical and harsh, but I just don't want to read for the 40th time how you can't get your act together, or how you've found the cure. We are always most critical of what we dislike in ourselves. Psychoanalyze that however you please :) That being said. I'm exactly what I hate about other bloggers. I can't seem to get my shit together, but I'm always looking for something different. Why? I don't know for sure, but I'm workin' on it. What I do know is that I've been avoiding this place of mine on the internet because I feel pretty bad about NOT giving you something positive. Not that I need to be suzy sunshine 100% of the time, but I also don't want to put anyone into a funk. What I want to do is just be honest. Then...at least I'll have going for myself along this journey. This blog started out for me as more of a personal journal, and I want to get back to that. Truth Time: I've been feeling depressed. I've struggled with depression since I was a kid. It comes and goes in spurts and it's been hanging around me for the past month or so. I'm not planning on wallowing in it, I'm just saying. I've been meditating and trying to get exercise to combat it. I have noticed a difference, but it's not an overnight thing. I'm anxious. About what? Nothing in particular per se. But I worry about my health and about staying alive and competitive in my business. Working for myself is amazing, but it comes with additional worry. I come from a long line of worriers and it really bothers me. It's something I'm trying to change, but sometimes I feel like I'm trying to turn around the titanic. I've gained weight. I don't really care to say how much. It doesn't matter. (or maybe it does and I'm just not ready to get THAT real) :) Ironic how I've gained weight just after I was like....I never gain weight back after I've lost it. HA! It was true, but now I'm eating my words....and apparently lots of other things too! I don't really consider myself in denial about the reality of my situation, but maybe I sort of am. Maybe we all are to a certain extent. It's a truth we know, but try very hard to forget about day to day. This allows us to eat crap food and drink and do other destructive things. I don't want to be destructive anymore. Maybe if I start to get real again and tell it like it is, it will help. I'm going to go clean my fridge and pantry. Do you need a reboot too?

3 comments:

  1. I am just like you. Seriously I wonder why people read my blog. But we need an outlet-I'm sure we'd be 600lbs if it weren't for blogging.

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  2. I'm just reading this and I love it! I had that moment with my blog and then I had to remember why I started blogging. I never thought anyone would find it. I didn't do it for a captive audience, I just wanted a space away from my "real life" where I could freak out without consequence. As it evolved, it became more about the readers and not wanted to be a disappointment and then it became just like every other area of my life -- me trying to please people. So I stopped. I say what I want. I blog what I'm feeling. And if it anyone doesn't like it, fuck off. It's very liberating! Focus on making this about you.

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  3. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you today. That's all. :)

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