Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Lurking just under the surface

You know those women who always look great. Their hair and make-up always looking awesome, their houses always clean and tidy. On the surface they seem to have it all together. I wonder what's really going on underneath. I know it could be a million different things but most of the time I really think they just really have their shit together.

Recently, Anne of Smaller Fun Pants called me bold. A couple weeks before that I was flat out asked where I get my confidence from and was told I was so self assured. Self assured? Confident? Bold? What they don't know is that I struggle often to keep it together, to not let the crazy leak out too much. The truth is, I can be a massive procrastinator, a major perfectionist and I have certifiable OCD. No, really, I do. Maybe some day I'll talk about my OCD, but today is not that day.

A few years ago that crazy that I try and keep at bay...well it unleashed it's fury for like 3 years. And now, some days I feel like that's who I really am, I'm just covering it up by trying to keep a clean house, exercise and have a successful business. Some days, it's exhausting. Yesterday was one of those days.

Do you have that voice in your head telling you to just give up? I do. Some days I can barely hear it, some days it's all I hear. I'll drive past a fast food place and hear, just eat it...just give up. I'll get a business inquiry and I'll think...respond tomorrow. I feel like there's a war going on inside my head sometimes.

I just would like to get to a point where all the things I want to be...actually ARE somewhat second nature. Right now though, I feel like a fraud.

Have you been here? Have you felt what I'm feeling?

4 comments:

  1. I think of your "crazy" as normal, FYI. We'll always struggle against ourselves and the easy way out, in my opinion. You said it, some days are just easier than others. Just wanted you to know that I "hear ya," & have similar thoughts & feelings at times. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  2. nope, that is normal. if you spent years getting up every morning and moving an object from one point to another before you could do anything else that morning, if that object was removed, you would still want to do it. you always had before, that was your normal. It would take awhile to get used to not moving that object every day. You used to love the fast food stop, we all did, and so you still have that little urge, regardless, because that was your normal for so long. That voice will probably always be there, it is the attention you give it that decides what power it has.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "massive procrastinator, a major perfectionist" - I thought you were talking about me there for a while! I'm not doing half as well as you either, I'm still mostly floating around, swimming a bit now and then. What's admirable is that you don't give up!

    ReplyDelete
  4. yes yes and yes. I havent read any blogs for ages and had deleted all my "health related" blogs as they just reminded me of how I had failed yet again.
    Yours must have slipped through the net as this post appeared on my reader. I kind of accidently read it and you have put into words exactly how i feel at the moment. Its a struggle to keep up and I feel tired of trying. I am trying to keep a lid on the crazy ( i think i need a bigger lid!) xx

    ReplyDelete