You know those women who always look great. Their hair and make-up always looking awesome, their houses always clean and tidy. On the surface they seem to have it all together. I wonder what's really going on underneath. I know it could be a million different things but most of the time I really think they just really have their shit together.
Recently, Anne of Smaller Fun Pants called me bold. A couple weeks before that I was flat out asked where I get my confidence from and was told I was so self assured. Self assured? Confident? Bold? What they don't know is that I struggle often to keep it together, to not let the crazy leak out too much. The truth is, I can be a massive procrastinator, a major perfectionist and I have certifiable OCD. No, really, I do. Maybe some day I'll talk about my OCD, but today is not that day.
A few years ago that crazy that I try and keep at bay...well it unleashed it's fury for like 3 years. And now, some days I feel like that's who I really am, I'm just covering it up by trying to keep a clean house, exercise and have a successful business. Some days, it's exhausting. Yesterday was one of those days.
Do you have that voice in your head telling you to just give up? I do. Some days I can barely hear it, some days it's all I hear. I'll drive past a fast food place and hear, just eat it...just give up. I'll get a business inquiry and I'll think...respond tomorrow. I feel like there's a war going on inside my head sometimes.
I just would like to get to a point where all the things I want to be...actually ARE somewhat second nature. Right now though, I feel like a fraud.
Have you been here? Have you felt what I'm feeling?