What is holding you back from losing weight and from living the life you want?
To me, this is THE question. I know what to eat, how to eat it, when to eat it, etc. I know how to work out, I'm pretty good at it even. So why? Let me tell you people, I've thought about this long and hard. Here's what I think.
I'm not afraid of failing at weight loss, I'm afraid of succeeding and then still feeling not good enough. No one makes me feel not good enough, it's me that does it. It isn't Scott, he's wonderful and supportive and all the things a good husband should be. Except he thinks I suck at doing laundry, and he's right. It's certainly not my mom-she praises me all the time and tells me she's proud of me and that I'm beautiful. Just this morning she left me this voicemail telling me about a dream that she had of me last night as a toddler wearing footie pajamas with my blonde curly hair smashed to my head. Made me smile. It's not my dad. He's a man of few words, like many men but I know he loves me...a lot and I know he's proud of me. He's the type of guy that thinks it's "amazing" that I have a blog...that people read! I'm like, dad, really it's no big deal, lots of people have one. But he doesn't hear it. He still goes in to the bank to see a real person because he doesn't fully trust online banking or ATM machines. Good ole' dad.
When crazy Hannibal (cock on his head guy) said he was afraid of his greatness, it really made me think. At first I was like, uhhhhhh whatdidhesay? But then, I thought, yeah I get that. I mean, I think I can be really great if I just gave myself the chance. But what if I totally embraced my greatness full force and it turns out I'm only average? In a way, it's easier to just stay fat, than to go at losing weight full force only to find out that you still don't have what it takes. I know this is silly to think. I know it's not rational.
When I started going to counseling back in Jan 2009 I was afraid to start because what if I fixed me into a person that my husband didn't want to be with? Rational? nope. But very real. Now that I'm more or less "fixed"-what ever that means, I realize how irrational my initial fear was. I'm a happier person. "Working out gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't go around killing people."-Legally Blonde. So, I'm happier and much more pleasant and nice to be around...if anything my husband loves me more, not less.
Yeah, welcome to my strange brain. I think too much. Always have, always will.
(weekly results later today)-Go TEAM!
Your post speaks the truth. It's commonplace to stick with what you know (aka being miserable in a body you're not happy with, stuck in your daily routine that you're not happy with, etc.), than to make changes and be unsure of the effects of those changes.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that you have so many positive people in your life who love you no matter what. Even if you fall flat on your face, we are all here to pick you back up. Go for it!
I read this really profound article and I wished I'd kept it. i don't know if this applies to you, but for me it talked about weight loss (I've gone up and down and up and down) as an addiction and a preoccupation that keeps people from living the lives they were meant to live. WHICH HIT ME LIKE A DAMN TON OF BRICKS. I really really had to look at that. Ouch. But when we know the truth we can deal with it.
ReplyDeleteAlright, I FINALLY watched the clip yesterday. Joe was in the room although not watching it and was all "WHAT the HELL are you watching?"
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, I got it.
I think that there is a piece to that for me - I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm successful - I'll never be this fat person anymore...which is who I've been for the last 20 years.
So where does that leave me?
Lots to think about...thanks for the great post.