Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Going Nuts

Sometimes I think about a particular food and suddenly my mind goes into overdrive. How do I get said food. How do I acquire it? Where do I eat it? Where do I dispose of the trash? How do I pay for it? How do I hide it?

THIS is why I'm a food addict. Hi Katy!

I mean, just the fact that I think about where I'm going to dispose of the wrappers, makes me all, uhhhhhhh, you've got a problem sister. I told Scott that I didn't want to carry cash with me anymore. Why? Because for me cash=freedom to eat whatever I want without anyone knowing. No card statements to rat me out.

OK, I need to take a breath. This is really hard for me to talk about. It's so shameful. BREATHE! Go to your happy hammock in Jamaica. I know I'm in good company here. I know that most of you can relate to what I'm saying, so in the spirit of the "circle of trust" I'll continue.

This is why I blog. This is why I tell my story. This is why we all tell our stories. To untangle some of the shame that's associated with being big...being fat. It ain't pretty. Food hiding and secret eating is the underbelly of weight problems. Maybe you don't see us eating buckets wings at the buffets, but it's probably only because we stuffed ourselves in a random parking lot about 30 minutes earlier.

I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I want a new body and mind for many many reasons. Why then, when I feel my mind go into the overdrive situation that I explained above, do I sometimes just lie down and give in? Oh sure, I stand up and fight many times, but there are a lot of times when I just lie down and take it. My mind will say "gotta have McDonalds" or whatever the food of choice is that day, and then I just say um, ok I guess. It's like the rational part of my brain is absolutely no match for the part that wants to eat crap.

This is where shame enters into the mix. Shame because we are told to "just put the fork down" and when we can't we are judged harsher than any sect of society. If you tell an alcoholic to stop drinking, or a drug addict to stop using crack, and they can't, we understand that. But when you tell a fat person to stop buying twix bars and eat carrots, no one can see how complex and hard that is. No one except a fellow food addict. It's fucking hard. It's so so hard, and even harder to explain why my brain does this during my times of "gotta have, gotta have, gotta have."

I can't explain it. Plain and simple. It's so much more than just not eating.

Does anyone else have times of just not caring? Seeing something that looks good, and just eating it? Thinking, eh, fuck it.

You know what? This behavior scares me.

And seriously, no offense, but I don't want some skinny girl who's never had a weight issue to pretend like she knows what I'm going through. To give me trite "support." Because truly, unless you have felt what I described above. Unless you have felt it in your bones... you really have no idea.

8 comments:

  1. I am SO with you on this - every word. that cycle of obessing about food, figuring out how to get that food, finding/buying/sneaking that food, eating the food, then the shame/guilt. And swearing it all off - again. And then...you remember how good oreos taste...
    Hi - I'm lauraLynne, I'm a food addict.

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  2. Thanks for sharing katy. I might fall into the category of girls you don't want to give you support, but I grew up watching my mom do all those things you mentioned (maybe not with the food you mentioned, but other food; and ice cream, and mini-snickers bars, and etc etc etc) so I wanted to comment anyway. It is definitely hard watching someone go through motions of food hiding, and denial about it; hiding wrappers under other garbage so it won't be visible on the top, seeing them coming home with 3 cartons of Breyer's one evening and then finding 2 of those cartons scraped clean and underneath yesterday's garbage, rearranging the top layer of cookies so it looks like none were missing....it is definitely an individual's struggle with shame and personal acknowledgment of what is really happening. Thanks for being open about your journey.

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  3. Girl, I SO get you. In fact, I have a few things to say about what you wrote. First, it IS so hard to be 100% honest about food, eating, and our relationships with food and eating. Or at least, it's hard for me sometimes. Out of the people that read my blog on a semi-consistent basis, three know me IRL. THREE. Two others (including you) know my real identity. I keep those things private because I want my blog to be a place where I can go freely and vent or b*tch about what is going on in my life and my eating. I think there is freedom in releasing secrets... One of my favorite quotes is: "If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find."
    --John Churton Collins. One of the things I like the most about sharing is that when we do, and we realize that the world doesn't stop - and that no one says "OMG! You do THAT? Ewww!" it releases the power that that secret held.

    Know that you are not alone. MILLIONS of us struggle with the exact same things you struggle with.

    Shame is *such* a big thing - and has been a huge issue for me in my journey. It STILL is. I wrote about my issues with shame here: http://smallerfunpants.blogspot.com/2009/11/pleaser.html
    for me, it's a huge driving force that I often have to work through.

    I don't know what the answer is, but I know we will figure it out.

    P.S. Sorry for the novella like comment. I just got carried away!

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  4. I go through it a lot. I remember a day last week I wanted McDonalds I said ok, one chicken sandwhich no bun. I walked out with 2 southern style chickens, a filet o fish, and a large sweet tea. It is a fight I struggle with every day. I think what has helped me lately was a book that lynn review and I completly loved called Savor: Mindful eating Mindful living. It has helped me be more concious of my feelings and why I want said paticular food so much. Hang in there embrace your wants and your feelings validate them and give yourself an alternative.

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  5. ok, i've known you your entire flippin life...minus the first 4 years or something and i never knew you felt this way so i'm really glad you blog too :)

    love.

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  6. this was heartbreaking of me to read. I know exactly how you feel,that was ME a year and a half ago. Maybe I shouldn't say "was"...there are still days I struggle.

    One day, one meal at a time my friend.

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  7. I think a lot of times we actually black out and forget not to eat something.. at least I've done that. It's like one second I was telling myself 'No way are you having that' and the next? I've already eaten it!! What the heck happened??????

    I think we all go through stuff like this, I've never really hidden my habit from anyone.. cause... frankly, I cannot hide it from myself - and I'm the one picking on myself. Screw what everyone else thinks.

    Have you ever had that moment while you are scarfing something down and you just want to react violently?! Like scream and throw the food across the room or something and run out scream? That might just be me.. I've thought of that in the middle of a 'binge' when I'm sowing down on something.. mind you, I don't do it.. I keep eating...

    I'm crazy, ignore me. ~lol~

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  8. I am so with you. The craziest part is that it feels like a secret shame to me, but the reality of my "secret eating" is plastered all over my body. I'm hoping that being honest and open about it myself, and reading posts like you've written here will help us all work through this.
    Mary

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