Sometimes I think about a particular food and suddenly my mind goes into overdrive. How do I get said food. How do I acquire it? Where do I eat it? Where do I dispose of the trash? How do I pay for it? How do I hide it?
THIS is why I'm a food addict. Hi Katy!
I mean, just the fact that I think about where I'm going to dispose of the wrappers, makes me all, uhhhhhhh, you've got a problem sister. I told Scott that I didn't want to carry cash with me anymore. Why? Because for me cash=freedom to eat whatever I want without anyone knowing. No card statements to rat me out.
OK, I need to take a breath. This is really hard for me to talk about. It's so shameful. BREATHE! Go to your happy hammock in Jamaica. I know I'm in good company here. I know that most of you can relate to what I'm saying, so in the spirit of the "circle of trust" I'll continue.
This is why I blog. This is why I tell my story. This is why we all tell our stories. To untangle some of the shame that's associated with being big...being fat. It ain't pretty. Food hiding and secret eating is the underbelly of weight problems. Maybe you don't see us eating buckets wings at the buffets, but it's probably only because we stuffed ourselves in a random parking lot about 30 minutes earlier.
I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I want a new body and mind for many many reasons. Why then, when I feel my mind go into the overdrive situation that I explained above, do I sometimes just lie down and give in? Oh sure, I stand up and fight many times, but there are a lot of times when I just lie down and take it. My mind will say "gotta have McDonalds" or whatever the food of choice is that day, and then I just say um, ok I guess. It's like the rational part of my brain is absolutely no match for the part that wants to eat crap.
This is where shame enters into the mix. Shame because we are told to "just put the fork down" and when we can't we are judged harsher than any sect of society. If you tell an alcoholic to stop drinking, or a drug addict to stop using crack, and they can't, we understand that. But when you tell a fat person to stop buying twix bars and eat carrots, no one can see how complex and hard that is. No one except a fellow food addict. It's fucking hard. It's so so hard, and even harder to explain why my brain does this during my times of "gotta have, gotta have, gotta have."
I can't explain it. Plain and simple. It's so much more than just not eating.
Does anyone else have times of just not caring? Seeing something that looks good, and just eating it? Thinking, eh, fuck it.
You know what? This behavior scares me.
And seriously, no offense, but I don't want some skinny girl who's never had a weight issue to pretend like she knows what I'm going through. To give me trite "support." Because truly, unless you have felt what I described above. Unless you have felt it in your bones... you really have no idea.