Thursday, March 25, 2010

Day 46-The Battle Continues

I'm fighting hard against self-sabotage mode. I've reached a decent milestone in weight. Somewhere I haven't been since 2005. A friend assumed that I had made my wedding weight (since I was married in 2005)-I didn't correct her. I'm still 20 lbs away from my wedding weight. What does that mean? I gained a lot of weight in 2005, that's what. I can't believe I turned into the stereotypical let your self go wife. I even talked about women who did that and who did they think they were? What's that saying about those in glass houses? Something about stones I believe.

Truth is I was sort of lost during that time. I had just gotten married, sold our house, moved into another house, quit my job, went through an intensive year long yoga teacher training program, realized that I had been stuffing a memory of some trauma down deep and had it totally resurface...I was well... a wreck! Even those closest to me had no real idea what was wrong. They just saw me gaining, and gaining, and gaining....then gaining some more. By the end of 2005 I had put on more than 20 lbs and by our first anniversary I was up almost 30! But wait, there's more! I didn't stop at thirty or forty I gained 50 lbs. Because 50 was a nice round number, just like I had become!

The scale is going down now. 30 lbs from my heaviest to be exact. As the numbers get lower I can't help but reflect on where I was during that weight. As all good chunksters do, we mark events in our life with our weight. At so and so's wedding I weighed this much, when we went on this vacation I weighed this much and so on and so forth. So when I see numbers I haven't seen in years in some ways it takes me back to those times. Some great memories, some I'd rather forget. When I see the numbers go down, half of my brain says ABORT MISSION, ABORT NOW! Then the other part says keep going, you'll do this. It's a struggle to remember that just because I weigh X doesn't mean I'm transforming back into the person I was the first time I weighed X. Does that make sense? For better or worse, I'm different now. I'm not 6 or17 or 22 or 24 or 25 (which by the way, did anyone else feel like they were having a1/4 life crisis @ 25? Cause I sure did. Whoot Whoot John Mayer!) I'm not those ages anymore-thank god! I'm taking responsibility for my life in every way and I suppose that's what women do? That's what grown up's do?

So, the battle continues. It's gone from being a mostly physical battle (first 6 weeks) to now a mental battle. I believe the latter is by far the more challenging. Even though waking up at 4-fucking 30 still blows, it's easier than facing the twinkie demons that dance in my head. Eat me Katy, eat me and all your problems will disappear! Fuck you twinkie demon child. Too much? Sorry, I tend to talk like a perverted truck driver if left unchecked.

On a side note, there was a recent study that showed that cursing may actually be good for you! Read about it here.

And now completely off track...I'll leave you with this.

"When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad." ~Janette Barber

3 comments:

  1. I had a crisis of epic proportions at 25. But I didn't have another for 25 years. Just absolutely dreaded turning 50 this year and guess what? It happened and life goes on. I actually have ended up celebrating 50 way more than I ever thought I would.

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  2. I totally mark events in my life by weight. Great realization I hadn't yet made for myself. And seriously, the twinkie demon.. I have a warm chocolate chip cookie demon.. comes out about 4 pm everyday. Damn him!
    You are an inspiration and I thank you for kick starting me into gear. Also, future 50-year-old Skinny Shannon wanted me to thank you as well! :)

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